When the Holidays Come Around Again… Without Her

When the Holidays Come Around Again… Without Her

By Kinyatta Gray

It sneaks up on you, the realization that it’s the holidays again… and she’s still gone.
You’ve done so much work to heal, to grow, to find your rhythm again. Yet here it is — that quiet ache that hums beneath the twinkle lights. That moment when the air smells like cinnamon and roasted something, and your chest tightens because this time of year still belongs to her, even now.

For those of us who’ve lived years without our mothers or anyone whose absence reshaped the entire landscape of the season, this time of year can feel like both a celebration and a test. You can be standing in your kitchen, stirring the dish she always made, humming along to a song she loved, and suddenly the air feels heavier.

And you pause — not because you’ve gone backward in your healing, but because grief remembers. It’s not regression; it’s remembrance. This is what it looks like to love someone so deeply that even time bows to the memory of them.

The truth is, no matter how much progress we make, the holidays have a way of pressing on the soft places. The ones we’ve covered with strength and survival and purpose. You’ve learned to create new traditions, maybe you light a candle in her memory before dinner, hang her favorite ornament near the front of the tree, or take over the role she used to hold as the family game host or storyteller. You’ve learned to honor her while still allowing yourself to live. And yet, every year, there’s still that moment when you have to quietly gather yourself again.

That’s not failure. That’s love in motion.

When that moment comes—because it will—here are three gentle ways to ground yourself again:

1. Step Away and Breathe with Intention
   Excuse yourself for just a few minutes. Step outside, take a slow breath of winter air, and let your body remember that you’re still here. Sometimes the smallest pause is enough to bring you back to the present moment, back to yourself.

2. Do One Thing That’s Entirely Yours
   After honoring her, give yourself permission to do something that represents you now. It could be a new recipe, a song, or even a quiet toast. Healing is not about erasing the old; it’s about layering the new with love.

3. Speak Her Name Out Loud
   Don’t tuck her away in silence. Say her name. Tell the story of the time she made everyone laugh so hard they cried. Speak her into the room. Love like that doesn’t disappear—it transforms.

The holidays may never be what they once were. But they can still be sacred. They can still hold beauty and memory in the same breath. And if you find yourself needing to pause—to gather your heart before rejoining the joy—that’s not weakness. That’s grace.

So when the world hums with holiday cheer and you feel that quiet ache rise again, take a breath and remind yourself:
You’re not broken. You’re simply remembering love.